Part One - Identifying the New Habits

The traditional time for starting over and creating new habits has arrived with the month of January.  In making resolutions, how many of us have thought about how to create a better marriage as part of that thought process, especially if we already believe we have a good marriage?  Why not go for a great marriage instead of a good one?  My list is going to be different than yours because I'm offering you a way to tailor your list to make your marriage be the best it can be. 

In our business we used an evaluation technique called Stop, Start, Continue.  It's simple and effective and works really well when applied to marriage.  Rather than guessing what you can change, ask your spouse three questions:

1)  What one thing would you like me to stop doing?

2)  What one thing would you like me to start doing?

3)  What one thing would you like me to continue doing? 

(If you find you're uncomfortable asking your spouse these questions, it's a good sign that it's worth the risk because it might open communication between you in a new way.  If that's too uncomfortable for you, then ask the questions of yourself and be a self-starter in improving your actions toward a better marriage.)

Once you have your initial answers, try getting as much detail as possible about what your spouse would like to see you stop, start and continue.  You might be afraid your spouse will ask too much, and you won't be able to do it.  You can easily talk yourself out of even trying.  Imagine the opposite.  What if your spouse asks for a few things that are easy instead of hard?  It might be fun instead of insurmountable!  And if your spouse does ask for the moon and expects you to build a rocket and file a flight plan in the next month, ask what your first step should look like and settle on doing just that first step.  The rest will come later.  This will help you build your plan. 

In their book Habits Die Hard, Mac Anderson and John J. Murphy outline a ten-step plan for changing habits.  By asking the Stop, Start, Continue questions, you accomplish the first step:  Identify and define the habit. 

In AA members are asked to accept responsibility for the habit and changing it.  It's the same thing for our marriage habits.  We have to accept that our behavior needs changing, believe we can change, and work to accomplish it.  That comes with feelings about the habit.  Anderson and Murphy tell us to examine the feelings we have about the habit we decide to change.  What does your heart tell you?  Unless you identify and change the feelings surrounding this habit, your feelings can sabotage your efforts to change. 

Next it's important to determine the frequency of your new habit.  How often do you start doing the new action?  Do you stop doing something all the time or just part of the time?  Do you continue doing the same action at the same rate?  Knowing the expectation for seeing change is important to monitoring your success. 

My Real Life Example

Dennis encouraged me for years to quit drinking so much Coca Cola.  Some of it was self-preservation on his part because I was drinking so much soda that he started drinking it, too. I always had the refrigerator stocked with cans of Caffeine Free Classic Coke.  I justified it was better for me if I drank my Cokes without caffeine.  I justified that I didn't gain weight from drinking it, so it couldn't be that bad for me.  I justified that I was staying hydrated by drinking Cokes throughout the day. 

My favorite Cokes are fountain Cokes.  I know all the best places in the Palm Springs area for getting the best brix (mix of syrup and carbonation), and I would stop sometimes twice a day to get a 32 ounce or 44 ounce fountain drink.  I know it's bad for me.  I know I need to change.  So when I thought of something to stop doing to create a better marriage in 2013, I picked this.  If I stop having it around the house, and I stop buying fountain Cokes for both of us, then we will both be healthier.  Dennis agreed.

In examining my feelings about Coca Cola, I realized it was tied to some wonderful memories of my grandmother.  Nana used to keep Cokes stocked in her refrigerator along with a jar of cashews on the coffee table in her living room.  Whenever I visited Nana, I could help myself to a Coke and cashews, two items that were reserved for special treats at home.  So Coke and cashews symbolized love and freedom of choice for me.  I realized I carried that value all these years when I examined why Coca Cola was the drink for me.

So once I decided to quit drinking Coca Cola, I had to come up with a plan.  I quit buying Coke for the house. That removes the frequency of going to the refrigerator and grabbing a Coke when I'm thirsty.  

I decided to replace the desire for Coke with the desire for water.  I hate water.  I have hated water since I was a baby and threw a bottle of water across the room to state how much I hate water.  Not very grown up, I know.  It is a challenge to change sixty-three years of avoiding water:  of only drinking it when I was extremely thirsty or trying to pump up my veins before getting a blood test.   My new goal is to learn to like water.  I am experimenting with adding ice and adding different natural flavors such as lemons, limes and splashes of other fruit juices. It's a daily challenge to choose water over another beverage.

Part Two of this blog series will talk about how to strengthen your new habit and deal with any slips along the way,  and Part Three will focus on how to maintain your new habit and incorporate the change into your self-image.  As I post the rest of my blogs on creating new habits, I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing with drinking water instead of Coca Cola.  If you have some suggestions for me, or you want to share the marriage habit you're attempting to change, please add a comment.  We can help one another! 

When I come to my desk in the morning, the first thing I do is check my email.  I want to see if there is anything urgent that needs my attention, and I quickly go through the list looking for emails from friends to find out what they are up to. I answer emails and put dates on my calendar and then start writing.

But what about my sweetheart?  Do I check in with him before I start my day?  Do I find out how he's feeling, what he's thinking about, what his schedule entails?  Do I send him an email or tweet or text to tell him that he's my number one love-byte?  Yes, it is important, even at 34 years of marriage, to keep my fingers busy letting my spouse know that he is and always will be #1.

In retail, it's called taking care of your customer, and that means personalizing your service.  Sometimes the business of marriage causes us to forget to show the feelings we had when we were still sitting in the car at the end of a date and our mothers were frantically flashing the porch lights to get us to come inside.  (Note:  Never tell your mother not to do that, by the way.  My mom quit flashing (the light) and started sleeping in my bed instead so I had to wake her when I got home.  Smart Mama!)

Lead with your heart and give, give, give affection and attention. Be specific.  Be practical or romantic.  Here are some ideas for sending to your E-male:

• I still feel your lips and it's now 2 hours, forty-two minutes and sixteen seconds since we kissed good-bye.
• What would you like for dinner tonight after dessert?
• I really like the way you took care of our daughter's fear about her math test today.
• Thanks so much for taking out the trash before it smelled!
• I am so grateful to have you to come home to tonight.
• I have the snacks ready for your Monday Night Football game tonight.
• It meant a lot to have you just listen to my worries about how to deal with my difficult client.  In talking out loud, I came up with a solution.  Thanks!

Let's try something fun.  What would be a creative word for the "E" in  E-Male?  Please help me with a word other than "excellent" or "exceptional".  Let me know what you think!  I will publish a list of the top ten with your name next to it if I have your permission. 

Hope keeps me going.  How much hope I have determines how much energy I have for the day ahead. 

Dennis and I went and saw "Hope Springs" last night for our Friday Night Movie date.  Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep are just going through the motions of being married.  When you watch their daily routine, you realize that they are more like roommates than a couple.  Meryl Streep's character still has hope that their marriage could change, so she signs them up for a week-long $4000 marriage counseling session in Maine with a marriage therapist played by Steve Carrell.  Watching these characters work out their marital problems was a roller coaster ride of hope as each character got out of their comfort zone to try and create an intimate relationship again.  www.youtube.com/watch

Hope is my shovel that helps me dig deep to get rid of my troubles.  Without it, without possible solutions, I know what the outcome will be...I will be in the same situation or in an even worse one.  With hope, I can see possibilities and create a new outcome for myself. 

This movie reminds me why it is so important to be best friends with my spouse.  The quality of their lives changed drastically when they started liking one another again.  Once the friendship rekindled, so did their love.  They started being customers of each other.  When they renewed their vows, we saw how much they had learned about one another and how anxious they were to have the marriage of their dreams.

Go see the movie and bring home some hope!

We just got home from seeing the new movie "Ruby Sparks" from Valerie Faris and Jonathan Dayton, the Dynamic Directing Duo of "Little Miss Sunshine" fame.  I can't go to sleep until I write about it because it's the best relationship movie of the year!   Who would have guessed it would come out in August of all months?!  Here is a link to the trailer if you want to get the movie's flavor:  www.youtube.com/watch

The movie opens with a dreamlike character, and we learn she is created by the lead character, Calvin, who writes about the woman of his dreams.  Not only is she created on paper; she comes alive and lives with him.  The constant temptation of writing her just the way he wants her to be frames this movie as we watch their Pygmalion relationship develop.  Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan make you believe in their characters and make you root that they will end up together. Loved the ending...no spoiler alert here!

This film provides an opportunity to examine our own relationship with our partner.  If we were the all-powerful authors of our marriage, would we write our spouse's character "as is" or would we change our character to fit an ideal or fantasy?  What would our fairy tale character be like? 

The curse of fairy tales as we get older is that we still have some of the epic myths tucked away in our emotions that cause us to search for "the one."  We are actually thinking about "the perfect one" even though the "perfect" is silent. The fairy tales are fiction, yet we want to believe they are true at an emotional level because they give us hope that we can all find true love and vanquish the dragons, or evil people, in our lives who want to steal our happiness.  Enlightened couples know that the dragons live within, and we need to start vanquishing them internally so we can love ourselves and one another.

In the fairy tales, we never get to find out what happens after a year or two of marriage and the arrival of children.  The wedding ritual sets the stage for the idealized bride and groom to begin their shared life on top of the world (or cake).  The celebration of the marriage is a confection built with layers of hope, vows, love, passion and joy sprinkled with the best wishes of family and friends.  It is part of the fairy tale to keep that moment frozen in time as though we can forever suspend that perfect day. 

Part of growing together instead of drifting apart is to truly accept one another.  Acceptance means knowing that partners don't have to be perfect.  Acceptance means tolerating the "good, the bad and the ugly" in each other, or as we say in our vows, "for better or for worse." 

In the Q & A afterwards at the Cinemas Palme d'Or in Palm Desert, Valerie Faris and Jonathan Dayton (the directors who are also married to one another) said they work well together because they really like one another and care about one another. Valerie said she likes to listen to what Jonathan says because she never is sure just exactly what he will say. The same holds true for life...the mystery is that you never know what magic awaits you in your relationship each day.

We are so excited to have Cami here to share how she keeps the sparks alive with her husband Joseph while working with The Dating Divas and raising three children.  She offers some great tips from her eight years of marriage and shares how her weekly dates with her husband inspire her children to understand the joys of marriage.

Hi, my name is Cami and I am one of The Dating Divas. We are a group of women dedicated to

strengthening marriages by dating your spouse! I know, simple concept right? It's true, so simple, yet so neglected by so many couples. If only people would understand how courting your spouse is as important DURING marriage as it was BEFORE marriage:). It is a blessing to be part of a wonderful group of ladies who are as dedicated to their hubby's as I am to mine.

Today, I want to discuss finding time for your relationship while having children around. I am a mother of 3; ages 6, 4, and 2. Yep, I'm just a BIT busy! I am lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom and wouldn't have it any other way. I LOVE being available for my kids 24-7, but I'm not going to lie... at times it's HARD.

That's only one strategy that I have put in place. I also NEED time with my hubby. It's SO easy for me to get caught up in what the kids need, the house, food, errands, etc. that if I wasn't conscious about it, I would forget about my hubby and his needs and OUR needs as a couple. We are lucky enough to come from 2 sets of parents that were wonderful examples of weekly date nights. They cherished the time together and away from their normal routine and it taught us as kids that 'together' time is very important. Joseph and I from day 1 of being married decided that weekly date nights were a must and even if we didn't have funds to do anything expensive, we could still hang out and do something fun.

When kids came around (which was only a year after we got married and a LOT earlier than we hadplanned) we had to re-assess how we were doing date nights. We really knew that date night was still a must, just a bit different than it had been for the previous year. We decided within the first 3 months of our daughter's life, that no matter how crazy life got, we would still make at least one night just for us.  I am proud to say that after almost 8 years of marriage, we still hold to that philosophy. I will admit that through the years we have missed a couple of weeks here and there, but I am proud to say that overall we have been consistent with our alone time and it has helped us stay committed to each other, help nurture and grow our love for one another, and solidified us as being best friends. All things that keep a marriage solid and together.

How do we accomplish this with our lives being so busy? For us, it's flexibility. A lot of couples have one set night that they go out on for their dates. We try to stay to one night, but we also stay flexible and adjust where needed. If something comes up on that night, we plan for a different night, but we still make sure we 'go out'. At times we have also been real tight on cash, so flexibility has come in handy here too. Be creative, think outside the box. You don't have to leave your house to have a date night. I can say that for a couple years the majority of our date nights have been under $5 and planned after the kids go to sleep and we can do something at home. We play games, watch movies, read together, listen to books, etc. We love being together and can make almost anything fun if we are together.

One thing that is important to me is physical touch. If my husband holds my hand, cuddles with me, plays with my hair, gives me a hug, etc. I know that he is going out of his way to show me he loves me in ways that are important to him. If I give my hubby backrubs, or miniature manicures and pedicures (silly, I know) he knows that I am dedicated to him and love him. You don't have to spend lots of money to show each other you are their number 1. Find out what is really important to each other and DO those things for your spouse.

This is passed on to our kids...we make sure we are affectionate to each other in front of our kids. We peck, hug, hold hands, put an arm around the other, etc. to show our kids that those things are important to us. We also compliment each other in front of the kids to hopefully spark that in them as well. When you compliment your spouse, your kids realize that they are important to you and will follow suit. This will also nurture positive relationship skills to whomever they marry as well. Hopefully watching us and how we treat each other will translate to their own relationships.

I really just want to emphasize that together time is a necessity in marriage. Even with crazy schedules or a tight budget, showing each other that you want to spend time together will keep your marriage strong and healthy. I will have to say that I LOVE my husband with all my heart and I am so eternally grateful to what he means to me and my life. I know that I couldn't get through most things without him and I will never let him forget it either. I will make sure that he knows that he is my number one, even above my kids, because a marriage is the foundation of a healthy family home. I know that my hubby and I's time together has saved our marriage and our kids' marriages when they get married too.

Visit www.theDatingDivas.com to learn more about exciting opportunities for keeping romance alive in your marriage "one date at a time."

It's hard to see our marriage objectively, especially when we've been married for so long and our memories become more selective.  Thanks to our granddaughter, Sheridan, we are finding new ways to appreciate our history together. 

Sheridan is eight years old and extremely interested in learning her family history.  She doesn't live in the same town, so when we are together, she is super-glued to one or both of us.  And the questions flow:

       "Nana/Papa, what's the worst thing you ever did that got you in the most trouble?"

       "Nana/Papa, how did you fall in love?"

       "Nana/Papa, what's the next worst thing you ever did that got you into trouble?"

       " Nana, what are these?"  (points to my "bat wings"---the drooping flesh underneath my arms)

       "Nana/Papa, what's the next, next worst thing you ever did that got you into trouble?"

       "Nana, why do you have a moustache?"

 I'm sure you can see the theme that develops as she works her way through finding out about the times we "messed up" and what happened to us.  This is part of her character development as she sorts through our lives to find out what we did that was right and wrong.  The wrong is such a better story!  And I find I listen just as hard as Sheridan to what Dennis has to say in case I learn something about him that I didn't know before. 

That's why I appreciate Sheridan's questions.  Our Customer Metaphor tells us to pay attention to one another and appreciate each other, but how often do we really question one another and listen raptly to the other about their lives? How often to we vary the questions?  Most often we share this information when we meet someone new, but it seldom gets to the level of intimacy that we share with our granddaughter. 

The fact that we survived all the "bad" things we did and are still worthwhile people who are loved and loving helps her understand what unconditional love is.  "I may not like what you did, but I love you."  How often do we offer this same consideration to one another?  How often do we let little things go in favor of the bigger picture of how much we love and appreciate one another? 

There is a book I treasure and highly recommend:  To Our Children's Children, Preserving Family Histories for Generations to Come by Bob Greene and D. G. Fulford.  It's a book of questions; it helps us get to know one another better within our families. The questions are organized into 30 categories such as Childhood, High School, Food, The House You Were Raised In, Politics and History, Entertainment, Romance and Relationships and Moods, Attitudes and Philosophies.   There are great starters for couple and family conversations that allow us to get past the recital of everyday events and into the hearts and minds of those we love.  Here is a sample of the questions in the book: 

• Do you like your birthday or do you dread it?  What birthday do you remember the most from your youth?  What kind of parties did your parents give for you? 
• What was it like the day you moved into a new house?  What was it like the day you moved out?
• What was the most delicious meal you've ever had?
• What have been your causes over the years?  How have you worked for them?
• What do you do in the first hour after you wake up each morning?

With all the emphasis on social networking and connections, it seems like a good time to bring the past into the present and talk with one another about our memories, our hopes, our histories and our dreams. 

My stirring thoughts started with a coconut cream pie.  Our friends were coming over for dinner, and I wanted to make their favorite dessert...my Mile High Coconut Pie.  The recipe (shown below) called for the vanilla, coconut and butter to be added after the custard thickened. I was distracted by a phone call, and I added the vanilla right away to the custard ingredients as they were starting to simmer over the heat.  When I read the recipe again, I panicked because I wasn't sure if the vanilla would hamper the thickening process and end up as coconut soup! 

My choices were to keep stirring and see if the "pot thickened," or dump it all out and start over following the exact instructions.  My perfectionist side said, "Play it safe and start over," while my entrepreneurial side said, "Keep stirring and see what happens." 

My risky side won out.  I kept stirring and sure enough, the custard thickened, and I was able to finish the pie. (I'd offer you some, but it is long gone.)

MY STIRRING METAPHOR

I think the art of stirring until it is "just right" is a good recipe for working on challenges within marriage.  When a new challenge arises, I ask myself 4 questions:

1. Do I need to stir?
2. How hard should I stir?
3. How often should I stir?
4. How do I know when to quit stirring?

First, it's important to know if I should even get into the mix.  I ask myself 2 things: 

       What will happen if I ignore it?      What will happen if I do something? 

My goal is to pick the more intelligent plan of action.  If I don't have enough information to stir effectively, then I probably should let things simmer and wait to see what happens.

Knowing how hard and how long to keep stirring may be the hardest because, during the "no-change phase", it is hard to have the incentive to keep going. Doubts creep in.  The reward isn't evident, and there is a tension that comes with asking if it's time to quit. In the case of the pie, I knew what consistency I was looking for.  Life doesn't always give us the directions for the recipe, so we have to take risks and learn from them.

Knowing when to quit and move on is key.  I don't view quitting something that isn't working as retreating or giving up.   I'm just advancing in another direction (to paraphrase General Douglas MacArthur).  Inventing has taught me that I try my first-choice solution, and if it isn't effective then I should try another solution.  I don't need to keep making the same mistakes when there are so many more I could make!  

Success seems to be connected with action.  Successful people keep moving.  They make mistakes, but they don't quit.  ---Conrad Hilton---

THE PRACTICAL APPLICATION

Here is an example of how and when I decide to stir things up.

Last week Dennis was very ill with a sinus infection, and I could tell it was getting worse.  My sweetheart HATES to go to the doctor.  Knowing this, I chose to "stir things up."  It was a Thursday, we were heading into the weekend. I didn't want to end up in emergency hell where our only choice of medical assistance is going to an acute care clinic or a hospital emergency room.

So I suggested he go to the doctor.  Predictably he protested that it was a waste of time and money. He said it was just allergies, and they would go away eventually.

I stirred even harder and gave him this "I" message:  "I know you hate to go to the doctor, but I hate going through emergency hell on the weekends.  I see you that your symptoms have only gotten worse the last five days, and you have green junk coming up when you cough---that is a sign of infection.  Please go and if you decide not to fill the prescription, that is your choice, but I would like to get some help before it gets any worse.  It would mean so much to me."  (It makes a difference if I phrase it that by going to the doctor he is helping me.  He is giving me great customer service.) 

So he agreed to go.  He waited to see what would happen...the infection got worse...so we filled it on Sunday, and now he is getting better thanks to the antibiotics. 

I know better than to tell him every day that it is such a great idea that he listened to me and went to the doctor, and I'm the reason he is feeling better.  His recovery is all I want. 

So take a break, have a slice of pie or a slice of melon, and think about the areas in your marriage that could use some stirring. 

Mary Lou's Mile HIgh Coconut Cream Pie

Ingredients

9-inch baked pie shell

1/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup cornstarch

1/2 teaspoon salt

3 cups milk

4 egg yolks, slightly beaten

2 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened

2 teaspoons vanilla

3/4 cup flaked coconut

Sweetened whipped cream

Directions:

In saucepan blend sugar, cornstarch and salt.  Stir milk into egg yolks.  Slowly stir egg mixture into dry ingredients.  Cook over medium heat stirring constantly until the mixtue thickens and boils.  Boil and stir 1 minute.  Remove from heat and blend in butter, vanilla and coconut.  Immediately pour custard into baked pie shell.  Press plastic wrap onto filling to seal the top.  Refrigerate pie for 2 hours or longer. 

Just before serving, remove the plastic wrap from the filling and top pie with sweetened whipped cream.  Add toasted coconut on top.

ENJOY!

As a teacher, I have always been fascinated with learning about how we learn.  We all have different learning styles and learning rates.   There is a concept called "wait time" that measures how long we wait for an answer once we have asked a question.  I think we can improve the communication in our marriage by applying this idea when we interact with our partner and our children.

The concept of "wait time" was developed by Mary Budd Rowe, a Professor of Science Education at the University of Florida in 1974.  Wait time measures the amount of time a teacher gives a student to respond after asking a question or the amount of time given before the teacher repeats the question.   The theory is that the longer a teacher waits for an answer, the better the quality of the response will be.  Her research showed that generally teachers only give a student less than one second to answer before repeating or moving on to another student.  I experimented when I was teaching, and I found that I was guilty of not giving students adequate time to formulate a response, and I started practicing wait time.  I was pleased to see that the quality of the students' responses improved when I was willing to wait just a few seconds more. 

When I think of the numerous interactions I have with Dennis every day, I realize how important wait time can be in marriage.  How much time do I give him to respond?  Do I assume that he should give me an excellent response in record time just because we have been married for 33 years?

Here are 3 steps to try to improve your wait time in communication:

1.  Look first to be sure your partner is in the room and you have his/her attention before speaking, so your partner has a chance to focus attention on you.  It's not fair to talk to your partner's back and then feel frustrated when there is no response.

2.  Practice wait time.  Ask a question that requires more thought than a simple "yes" or "no" answer and wait at least three seconds for your spouse to reply. (Try saying "I love you" silently three times to help you keep from talking.)  Keep an encouraging, thoughtful look on your face and avoid rolling your eyes or sighing while waiting for an answer.  See what kind of response you get.  (Try it with your children, too.)

3.  If you are thinking about your answer, say "I'm thinking about it." or "Give me a minute." so your partner knows you heard the question, and you need time to consider your answer.  If you find you are rushing your partner to respond, ask him/her to let you know they heard you and are thinking, so you know that your communication link is established.  Then go back to #2 and wait.

                                               Don't wait to try it---start now!

After reading my book, The Marriage Story, people have asked me whether it takes a crisis for a person to change, as the character in my story changed.  I believe that we are most motivated to change when we have no choice.  But we can also change by coming to a realization that what we are doing isn't working for us.  It may not be working for our spouse either, but we only change when our behavior no longer feels right to us.

People don't stop drinking, or abusing, because it bothers the abused, or the neglected.  The husband in The Marriage Story didn't stop feeling sorry for himself because it worried his wife.  He had an epiphany, an insight, into the meaning of his life.  For him it was his friend's crisis that awakened him.  For someone else it might be their own crisis, such as a partner walking out on them because they drink too much.  Or it might take a doctor telling them that they are going to die if they don't change. 

My mother smoked cigarettes from the time she was sixteen until she was sixty-seven.  All of the kids in the family tried to persuade her to quit, but when a doctor told her she was soon going to die if she didn't stop smoking, she stopped that very day and lived to be eighty-four. 

Often we have to discover something about our own behavior that is as dangerous, or as repulsive to us as it is to the people that care about us, before we are willing to change.  Hopefully we can change the little things that stand in our way of a loving relationship without needing a crisis to motivate us.  When we truly care about our partner's needs we are more apt to want to change the behaviors that are hurting us---and the relationship.

It's our wedding day!  Dennis takes my hand.  I notice it's trembling a little.  He looks into my eyes and in a deep, resonant voice he promises to take me for his lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.  The sun shines brightly upon the two of us as we leave the church.  We are now partners for life.

As the years pass, the vows take on new meaning in everyday life.  We realize what the vows really meant when it comes to living together and putting up with each of our quirky traits.  Here is what Dennis' vows might sound like today:

"I, Dennis, take you Mary Lou for my lawful wife, even though you will forget to close the cupboard doors in the kitchen, and I'll bang my head on them; even though you leave soda cans and coffee cups behind you every day as a roadmap of where you have been in the house, and I pick them up for you; even though you will cook great meals for me but will dirty every bowl and pan we own in the process and leave me to wash them since you cook and I clean up."

Quite a different picture from The Big Day!  Yet these daily situations are the "stuff of love" where we can offer our best in caring for one another.  We can understand that our partners have other things they are thinking about and help them by understanding rather than constantly criticizing.  Nietzsche said, "The most instructive experiences are those of everyday life."

Do we have the right to ask our partners to do better about the small things?  Sure, we do!  The trick is to do it with respect and love rather than anger and resentment. When Dennis and I have talked about what is bugging each of us, we both try to satisfy each othr's needs--as if we were customers of each other-- not say, "That's your problem, and you'll just have to accept me the way I am." 

It means a lot when he notices that the cupboard doors are closed when he walks into the kitchen or the pans and bowls are cleaned and put away when I serve dinner.  He is very good about complimenting me when he sees I care about his needs, not just my own.  That makes me want to try even harder! I know I can't be perfect, yet I can choose to be better.

If you think of your spouse as your best customer, your attitude toward all these irritations changes.  You see them as opportunities for proving your love.

Staying in love means improving on what you have to offer.  It's convincing your partner that he made the best deal ever when he picked you.

All marriages begin with geat expectations.  But not long after the wedding and the honeymoon, subtle changes begin to take place until eventually many couples reach what Marcolm Gladwell called a The Tipping Point / How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference.

Here are just a few of the "little things" Gladwell might have mentioned if he had been talking about marketing a marriage rather than a pair of sneakers. 

1. Hugging

2. Kissing

3. Complimenting

4. Approving

5. Listening

6. Gifting

Mary Lou wrote in her blog, "Research shows that a few years after an exchange of vows, these "little things" start lessening in frequency and fading in intensity until couples find themselves with a marriage that is about to tip over into an abyss.  This is the moment in time when we begin to wonder if we made the right choice in a partner."

Practicing the little things that we call "love skills" builds "emotional equity" in marriage.  Like equity in a business, this reservoir of goodwill is essential to surviving the downturns caused by external forces such as: a job loss, serious illness, financial meltdown, or any of the tough times that hit without warning and demolish our marriages if we aren't 100% committed to each other.

"Love skills," can be strengthened with practice, or lost through neglect.  In other words, we use them or we lose them---and each other. In another of Gladwell's books, Outliers / The Story Of Success, he says it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become a champion at virtually anything.  In other words great athletes, top scientists, and world class musicians all had to practice their specialty for the equivalent of 250 forty-hour work weeks before they became truly proficient.

How can we apply that knowledge to our marriages?  You could say that... if we consistently practice our "love skills" we should be able to build a championship marriage after 10,000 hours.  It only takes a few minutes a day to show each that we care, but we need to do it everyday.  If we counted each day as one practice session we could build a championship marriage in only 27 years.

So let's get to it!  Let's practice those love skills.  Let's build some championship marriages!

In architectural school I studied the great architects of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, which included Louis Sullivan and his protege Frank LLoyd Wright.  In 1896 Sullivan coined the phrase, "Form ever follows function."  Not long after, Wright shortened it to "Form follows function."  It was then expanded to "Form follows function, function follows form," by architect Arthur Reihl, my first boss.

It took a me a few years of listening to Arthur's version before I got the message.  He was saying that life doesn't walk a straight line.  It wanders around and doubles back on itself, crossing over and under like one of Mary Lou's knitting yarns when she is making a sweater.  Life is a folding, unfolding and refolding process.  We learn and change and the change re-forms us.

"We shape our buildings, and afterwards, our buildings shape us," said Winston Churchill in a speech before The British House Of Commons, in 1944.  And that leads me to the theme of this blog, Love and Architecture.

Our love shapes us, and afterwards, we shape our love.  Like form and function, nature and nurture, day and night, loving and being loved are inextricably linked. 

So, if you want to be loved, be loving.

Think of how much a smile can do.  When I approach a service counter, I smile at the people behind the counter as well as the other people waiting.  I value the customer service I get when the busy employee looks up, smiles back and says, "Be with you in a minute."  It helps me wait patiently, even if it's a long wait.  If the employee looks up, doesn't acknowledge me and keeps working as though I don't exist, I find I don't feel that same way about the upcoming business transaction.  I wonder if he is just busy or if he doesn't like what he's doing and isn't very enthused about helping the next customer. 

Fast forward to walking in the door at home.  Do you greet your spouse with a smile on your face no matter what the day has been like?  Do you say "Hello!" and connect with a hug or a kiss?  Or do you come in the door with a frown and pass it on?  No matter what kind of day our spouse is having, we can make a difference with just our attitudes with first contact.

When I walk in the door, I remember how anxious I was to see Dennis when we were dating.  Here was the one person who loved me and chose to spend time with me.  I definitely opened the door when he knocked and greeted him with all the smile wattage I possessed.  Fast forward to now.  He's right here waiting for me.  I need for him to know how much I appreciate that he's here and loves me.  I  should smile with everything I've got!

I turned to a humorologist to find out more about the scientific effects of smiles.  Gil Greengross, Ph.D. is a humorologist, and her April 18th blog for Psychology Today talks about two types of smiles.  The Duchenne smile involves the muscles around the eyes and is the full wattage smile.  In contrast the non-Duchenne smile is the "fake" smile where the smile involves only the mouth and doesn't reach the eyes.

Experiment: 

1) Try an "eyes only" smile:  Stand in front of a mirror and try smiling with just your eyes so that the muscles around the eyes form little crinkles and your mouth stays neutral.  How does it feel when you try to smile with just your eyes?  Can you keep your mouth uninvolved?

2) Now try a "mouth only" smile:  Keep your eyes neutral and smile with just your mouth. How does this smile feel? 

3) This time give your full Duchenne smile with eye muscles and mouth involved.  Feel how much your eyes crinkle and how your cheeks feel. 

Try looking at smiles the rest of the day and see what intensity comes your way.  Be a beacon of intensity and crank up your smile to brighten the day for those around you.  Enjoy what comes back to you.  Give yourself and those around you a face lift today!

When we fall in love, we use our hearts, thoughts and actions to learn everything we can about our special person.  We delight in discovering what colors they like, what foods they love, what apps are on their phones, what movies and TV shows they enjoy, what songs are on their playlists, what books they treasure, what dreams they have and what they are looking for in a life partner.  From a business viewpoint, we provide the utmost in customer service.  We focus on our "customer" and do everything we can to keep him/her thinking about us and continuing to have a relationship with us.  Think about the best customer service you have ever received and how to apply that to your relationship.  How can you take the extra steps to give beyond what is expected?  How can you do that for someone you have been with for several years or more?

When we get married, we vow to love and cherish one another for life, but how many of us really think about how to translate that to every single day? How do we show our partners that we are glad we married them, especially when it's the 11,680th day of our marriage?  Dennis and I came up with a Love Equation to help us remember. 

                                                                GIVE = GET

We believe that endless love can only be fully realized through reciprocation.  By giving love to our partners, we get love in return.  Reciprocation can be carefully planned or it can be a spontaneous gift.  Sometimes it means just listening.  It's a way of training ourselves to love every day and to look for opportunities to express that love.  The giving is done freely without a pricetag. There is no "You owe me one!" attached.  Keeping score is a sure way to destroy a relationship.  We want to delight our customers and keep them.

It doesn't have to take a lot of time or tremendous effort to gift one another each day. When one partner cooks dinner, a compliment and a show of gratitude doesn't sound like much, but it is amazingly conspicuous by its absence.  Likewise the partner who clears the table and washes the dishes or cleans and loads the dishwasher could use a kiss on the cheek and a thank you.  When we turn routine chores into opportunities for affection, it reinforces our love for each other each day.  It reminds us that we are more than roommates.

It is important to remain interested in our partners.  Beyond sex, it is how we speak to our partners, how we listen to them, how we praise them and laugh with them and honor their wishes for alone time sometimes.  It is how we manage to find something to love about each other every single day and communicate that love to the most important person in our lives.   It is the quality of our lives together that creates the deep bonds of mutual love, trust and hope for a bright future together.

A recent online story caught my eye in Reuters news.  Warner Brothers surveyed 2,000 British adults in steady relationships and found that three years is the benchmark time when stress levels in marriage peak.  The title of the article is "The 7-Year Itch Is Now the 3-Year Glitch". www.reuters.com/article/2011/03/08/us-relationships-itch-odd-idUSTRE7274LE20110308  The results showed that 67% of those surveyed said that the small irritations of marriage grow into major irritations at about the three-year mark.  When couples first fall in love, the report said the participants received an average of three compliments a week from their partners.  After three years, the average is once a week.  Three in ten of those surveyed who had been in a relationship for five years or longer reported that they never receive any compliments from their partners.

Maybe our talk about customer service and passionate caring for each other in marriage doesn't resonate with you.  That doubting voice inside your head is telling you that passionate care and sustainable love don't exist in your world and aren't likely to.

You've never experienced anything like what we are talking about and don't expect to. You may think we are hopelessly naive or must not lead very complicated lives. 

You might think you would be willing to reciprocate if it actually led somewhere, but you can't imagine your partner going along with the idea.  You think it would be silly to even try to discuss it.

What happens in business when we give and give and don't get anything back? Do we remain silent and let the bills pile up?  No! We send collection letters and make collection calls.

Here's what to do to prepare a collection call to your spouse:

1)  Think carefully about the outcome you want and structure your communication to work toward that goal. Talk as partners and show respect.  ("Hey, Jerkoff...Get up off the couch and take out the trash!" may get attention but not  cooperation.)

2)  Be positive in your preparation and delivery.  You want this to work! (And by positive, I don't mean "positive that it won't work!")

3)  Start the talk with a headline and then give some supporting evidence.  

4) Focus on the facts.  Avoid a long rambling tale of everything that has happened in the last week.

5)  Be flexible.  Give a drop-dead ultimatum only if you are willing to accept that you may lose your customer.

It is always a risk to tell our spouse something we don't think they want to hear.  But the marriage will be at greater risk if we don't try to make it work, and it can't work if we have expectations that are unspoken.  If nothing else, the conversation will show the investment each of you has in your marriage.  An even more important conversation may follow that opens up all kinds of opportunities for you to make your marriage better than ever.  If you aren't willing to take the risk, you can pretty well predict that no one will reap a rewarding relationship, and the resentments will just keep piling up. 

If we use the routine grind as an excuse to stop caring and loving, the passion that drew us together will surely fade away.